HardestJob.com

I am so sorry I haven’t been able to write!   I don’t have Internet, yet.  Unfortunately, there is a serious monopoly problem in this little town….since THEY are the only ones who have it,  THEY charge an arm and two legs for it.   I am looking into satellite Internet, I hear it’s available,  but don’t know if we can get it in this remote place….yeah,  WAY far away from everything….so to my followers, be patient!  I am now working 40 hours (at last) and should be able to afford Internet soon, instead of borrowing others computers to get my business done.    I refuse to pay the outrageous prices in this town,  but there is, (and I will find it) a better way! 

  All is well with my old folks….one lady says,  ” I am done with all this”  and usually when they say something like that, it’s not long…but she is a wonderful person, has had an outstanding productive life, and is so tired,   Forging a living out of the wilderness…a true pioneer.  I gave her chocolate…even though her family doesn’t want her to have it….I am so sneaky…heh, what’s it going to do…kill her?   What a way to go!!!!!   OK more when I can.    Keep the faith all……

yikes.  I should have sued them,  my old job.  What the heck.   Firing me for reporting neglect.  I would have had some kind of closure and maybe a shred of dignity…and probably six figures in the bank. Instead, because I was such a wimp, I left town broke (and still am)  with my tail between my legs, having taken a huge hit to my character…which I value  more than most anything. I am now left with anxieties, having a tough time just stepping over the  threshold of  the safety of my home…. into the relative turmoil of the outside world.  Trust issues.  Sometimes the anxieties get so bad that I have to slap my own face to pull out of it.   Horrendous nightmares, nausea, headaches, insomnia, panic attacks, and worst of all, the constant worry that I am not doing enough. 

      Keep my mouth shut,  ya right.  I keep telling myself that I did the right thing, I went over and above the call of duty to keep one of our residents from starving herself to death.  She had gained 8 pounds at the time of the ‘discovery’ that I was sitting and eating with her as it was the only way to get her to eat. We would discuss current events and tell stories and she ate everything on her plate. She needed assistance sometimes, having a seeing disorder that made her hands not go where she thought the items were. I discovered our mutual love for sweet and sour, and would make up dishes to take to her.  I went out of my way to help this woman to thrive.  Then I find out that it was against policy to eat with them in their rooms, even if it was on my own break times.    I don’t think I did anything wrong, and sure as heck didn’t see it in the ‘policies and procedures’, which I always read upon starting a new job.  I sure didn’t see it coming.  Fact is, I was three days away from a substantial pay raise (the promises of which came with huge praises at what a great job I was doing) then two weeks before the firing/pay raise, I was nit-picked to death.    So now I am ducking even if I don’t see anything coming…it’s my imagination.  I now have to beg off paying my credit cards as I don’t make enough and can’t work enough as I am always getting sick from stress.  I don’t have Internet…which I thought was a necessity, now it is a luxury.  I can’t afford a phone, and now that my credit is ruined I sure can’t afford the 250 dollar deposit.  Luckily I live in a small town, and we take care of each other.  If not for my friends I would be living on the streets of Phoenix,  that is a horrible thought, especially in the summer. 

    I will be pro-active, do the best I can to pull out of this.  I can’t afford to go to the doctor, but I am not into taking drugs anyhow,  although there are times when I think I would do Morphine if it took away the heebejeebies, skin crawling anxieties, and the feeling that my life is pretty much over. 

 Wah…..stop my whining and get on with my life.  >>>>sllllAP!!!!!!<<<<<

  Too bad I can’t do it without the ’six figures’ I could have been awarded.    

He’s got more energy at 86 than I have at 55….amazing.   He has lost his other caregiver.  This is one of many that have come and gone with him.  If he chases me away he won’t get another one.

    He has a problem with falling in ‘love’ with his caregivers.  He has this amazing opinion of himself of being this hot stud…as he was in his younger days.    Of course, when they don’t reciprocate, he stalks them.   I am his last chance for a caregiver.   My success as opposed to their failure is something that needs to be learned early in the caregiving field.   Set  strict boundaries at the onset of the relationship.   I have an advantage as well. I have known this guy for thirty years.   He is cagey and not always 100% honest, but I know him so well that I know that little twinkle in his eye when he is not being truthful and he knows that I know.  He congers up drama in his mind, and has a wildly vivid imagination.  After all these years he sincerely believes his own lies.  I told my boss that, as his sole caregiver, I have to validate the things he says.  It doesn’t mean I believe him, and that is as far as it goes.  Hense, he tends to trust me.   I don’t kid myself, things could change in a heartbeat.  He’s a redhead and is prone to lose his temper.  But with the experience that I have, I know how to keep in from escalating. Since he has lost his latest caregiver, I have tried to spend as much time with him as I can, because if he is left on his own he tends to conger….again. 

  His other caregivers have been inexperienced, and tend to take advantage of the fact that he is almost completely independent.  He’s a drinker, and partakes of the herbal variety of partying…(none of my business… as it is practically legal here, and what he does is none of my concern) but his caregivers have spent most of their shift drinking and smoking with him.  When I started, his house was a cluttered mess.  They didn’t seem to be getting much done.   No wonder.   They would call and say they were going to be late, then not show up at all.  He therefore developed serious trust issues which  served to  hinder my establishment of a trusting relationship and made it a bit more difficult.  But as the days pass and I show up on time every time and have worked hard to get his apartment clean and organized, help him with paperwork, and am working to help him learn to save his money instead of buying hundreds of dollars of catalog stuff, things seem to be getting better for him, he seems happier and more serene. Damn I’m good. 

     We have a good relationship, and I told him at the start, if you treat me with respect and don’t lie to me I will be with him until he dies. 

   He trusts me, he knows I will be there when I say I am going to be there.  He knows he can rely on me.  This is something few old folks have. 

    I let him know from the onset that I will leave when the smoking starts, I don’t drink, and to this day remain all business.   I wear scrubs even though I don’t have to.    This is my JOB.    I aim to keep it, ’cause I love it.

yeah….ouch…just going to look up blood clots.  I have some major leg pain today.  Of course, I have to go to work….and just live with it…but it’s a very unusual pain.  I had something like it before, when I slept too long on one side, and had some major hip pain.  This feels something like that, but different.  The last time I went to the doc about 8 years ago) and got a steroid shot…and haven’t had a problem since.  But now that I am not insured, and I owe them money from the last bout of pneumonia, I hesitate to go.  Of course, it would just force me further into debt, and at this point I don’t care.  My credit sucks already and I don’t see myself recovering any time soon.  However,  living in a small town is nice because they actually follow the Hippocratic oath….they will not turn you away just because you don’t have any money.  But still, I hesitate.  I guess in the case of a blood clot, it could be deadly. 

 So I might have to go just to be sure it’s nothing life threatening. 

  Gettin’ old ain’t for sissies….WAH!!!!!!   

What a beautiful day we had, my old woman and I.  The sun was shining and there was a warm breeze, so we decided to sit outside.  We sat in her swing and talked.  Did some memory excersizes…for alll she’s not, the body goes before the mind sometimes, she is sharp.  Sometimes sharp and painful.  “you little snotnose” she said,  so I called her a big snot nose and from then on we got along great.  Then it was time to go in, so she gets up, albiet slowly, and into her walker…..as we should be turning towards the door for a shower, she keeps going right on past the door.  I let her, she’s 88 and can do anything she likes.   She lives on several hundred acres, which she forged out of the wilderness so many years ago, and I asked her how far she was planning on going.  “Just you wait and see!”  she says.  Hee hee, what a go getter!   Unfortunately her body is not as strong willed as her mind,  so she lasts about 50 feet.  So I go get the wheelchair and off we go…down to the creek, to feed the horses and bunnies carrots…we had a wonderful time.   And, she ate LOTS of berries.   

We are getting cut back on our in home care.  I am thinking that we need to form some kind of co-op…in this small town which is very civic minded…we could do something like everybody pay a monthly fee, this will take care of the old folks now, who don’t have long term care, and when it comes time for the donating members to go into assisted living, they would be guaranteed a place.  The new members would then take over.  I am still brainstorming…there’s got to be a way.  I don’t like the fact that some of our old folks will have to die in hospitals.  What is wrong with our country when the kids can’t take care of their folks?  We are the only culture that doesn’t!    But we have to have a place for them….here, at home….and I am working on it.  Any ideas?

Goldie LOVES berries…and we have an abundance this year.  The family doesn’t want her to have them.  I have heard stories about her raiding everyone’s berry patches in the fall.   So since I have MANY in my back yard, I pick them for her and she lights up when I bring them.   That would be my reasoning for letting her eat them….she loves them.  It might make her poop, but with old age that’s a good thing….so….I bring them.  

  This reminds me of a time when I got a job in a group home of ten residents.  Half of them were directed care…and a few were bed ridden. I did the third shift ( I don’t like to call it the ‘graveyard shift’ in old folks homes) every resident had the runs.   I spent the entire night cleaning them and their beds, not once but several times.  I thought “what is this, some kind of initiation?”    or “does someone have something against me and set me up?”  More likely the food was tainted, but I had this vision of someone putting Senna in their food.   But they were clean and dry when I left…tho it was one of those nights when you wonder if this is what to expect and wonder if you really want to make a career of this.  

  So Goldie gets berries….and I only work one day a week.   Hee heee………   

I found the cure for depression…..”Happy Feet”.    LOL

I never thought I would hear myself say it…thank Gawd it’s raining.  We have had scarcely a half inch all summer, which is very rare for Valdez, a northern rain forest.  The dust is horrible, especially with the ash from Redoubt, and the cottonwood makes outdoors a hazardous place to be.  At least I don’t have to suffer through the 120 degree heat which is what Phoenix is sweltering in, right about now. 

I have been sick for a month.  Don’t know what’s up, but since I am no longer insured I can’t afford to go to the doctor.  I am doing vitamins and Chinese herbs in an effort to try to beat it naturally.  I am sick of running to the doctor every time I get sick… for antibiotics.  I think they are doing more harm than good.  I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Still, I have to go to work.  

I am also severely depressed.  I am trying everything to pull out of this funk…even to the point of renting Disney videos…which seems to help some, albeit temporary.   I went out last night in the rain (probably not a good idea with the lung problem) and got myself some of those giant dinner plate Peonies that grow so well.  This helped some.  I don’t know what to do….the doom of a winter of shoveling snow does not make me feel any better.  There was a time when I looked forward to playing in the snow.  But now, after all these years of taking care of old people, I am now becoming older myself.  I wonder why I don’t handle it half as well as they do……I’ll try to buck up and do better.  

You will need this site to vent from time to time.  Use your patience, count to ten, and follow your heart…. no matter what the’ bosses’ say.  Just remember that they, too, will be old someday, and will be treated as they have allowed others to be treated. Do the best you can.   If you truly care about your old folks, you will do the right thing.  A person is always more important than any job.   Count to ten, and try it again…and if you need to vent….vent here!!!!!